Today when Dave wakes up there is a wahoo standing in Dave's bedroom. Dave is unsure why there is a wahoo in his room.
"get out of my room you wahoo!" says Dave.
"make me!" says the wahoo
"I'll make my cows come after you if you don't leave my room right now!" replies Dave
"I'll eat your cows before they touch me foo!" says the wahoo
"I'll beat you over the head with a homemade fencepost if you don't leave!" says Dave (Dave is starting to get annoyed at this point)
"Homemade fencepost? I'll beat you over the head with a real fence post!" replies the wahoo
"Well do your fenceposts always carry around sharp objects for purposes left unknown?" asks Dave
"Huh? your just as much of a wahoo as I am!" replies the wahoo
"I'm no wahoo foo!" says Dave
"neither am I!" replies the wahoo
"well then what are you?" asks Dave
"I am a salesman for wahooalert 4000" says the wahoo
"Now that was just a test to see how prepared you are for wahoos. I am not really a wahoo, but if I was a wahoo you might be dead right now. Wahoos are a dangerous problem in todays economy, and you should be prepared. With wahooalert 4000 you can easily kill off any wahoos nearby with its taser bomb. When you go to bed you just arm the machine with the big red shiny button and you can sleep at peace knowing that if any wahoo comes he will be executed on the spot. The wahoo machine also comes with a wahoo cremater to cremate the dead wahoo and send his ashes to his family. And that's not all of the dealio.. When you buy the wahooaloert 4000 you get 5 whole paper towel squares made of super absorbent paper for free free free! And that's not all.. when you buy the wahooalert 4000 you get 10 whole paper towel squares for no money money money! This is a deal no one can refuse! for only 421 easy payments of $342 you can get the wahoo alert and 10 paper towel squares!!! This machine is worth over $1000 and you only have to pay $340 a few times!!! What do you say? Do you want to buy the wahooalert 4000???"
Dave immediately signs up. "soo, is this my wahooalert 4000 here?" asks Dave, looking at the machine. "yes of course" answers the salesman. Dave is very happy to get this wonderful opportunity. The salesman leaves Dave's house. Right after the salesman leaves a wahoo comes running in the door screaming nonsense and tom-foolery. Dave presses the big shiny red button. The machine makes a funny sound and a 150 cal machine gun pops out of the top and proceeds to empty 200 rounds into the wahoo. Then the machine makes another funny sound and a nuclear powered flamethrower pops out of the left side and melts the little bit left of the wahoo. Then the machine makes another funny sound and wheels pop out and transport the wahooalert 4000 over to the wahoo and vacuums him up. Just then the wahoos crazy mother in law comes in the door but the wahooalert 4000 grows legs and runs over and karate kicks her back out the door following her with a rocked propelled grenade shooting out of the wahooalerts sole. Dave is very impressed. That day Dave arrives late for work but he has lots of fun telling all his friends about his wahooalert 4000 and all the wahoos he had met. There was a new guy at work that day. He was a very suspicious character. Very suspicious indeed. Dave decides to tell him his address. Dave is safe because of his wahooalert 4000.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dave is happy
Today when Dave wakes up he feels very happy indeed. Today is when Dave's cows are supposed to arrive in the mail. Dave can't wait for his cows. Dave's cows can't wait for Dave. Dave is very excited. Fortunately today was a Thursday, and Dave doesn't have to work on Thursdays, so Dave can focus all his energy on waiting and preparing for his cows. To start preparing for cows Dave decides to go visit Pecore on his cauliflower farm. When Dave arrives he finds Pecore hard at work tightening loose bolts on his automatic cauliflower picker. "ahh siete venuti a battere il mio panino con i nuovi fianchi in inverno!" Pecore says. "I love you too!" says Dave. "How do you take care of cows?" asks Dave. "Sono molto gravi semi di amore รจ una buona licenza" answers Pecore. "okeydokey I'll go try it" says Dave. Dave thinks that pecore used the words son, malt,gravy,semi, more,un-bun,and license. Dave decides that pecore must mean that when the cows have a son, Dave must not let him drink cows milk but only malted gravy and then when he is semi-grown give him more malted gravy. At this point Dave thinks he must un-bun the cow whatever that is supposed to mean, and apparently he needs a licence to do all these things. So Dave decides he must go get a licence to do these things. Dave decides to go to the farm store in town to get a FCMGAUB licence (Feed Cows Malted Gravy And Un Bun licence).
"(hick voice) Doo yoo heave eenie heffSeeEemJeeEhYooBee liseeanzes?" Dave asks.
"Do I have any what??", the cashier replies.
"FCMGAUB licenses." Dave answers.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Asks the cashier.
"Well its a Feed Cows Malted Gravy And Un Bun licence" Answers Dave.
"Is this a joke?? I know for a fact that there is no such license as ridiculous as all that. You don't feed cows malted gravy!! I didn't even know malted gravy existed until you walked in here!! Whats your problem!?!" Furiously shouted the cashier
"Well I got my advice from a well educated cauliflower farmer" Answers Dave
"Your Stupid!!" yells the cashier
Dave quickly leaves with the cashier chasing him out. Dave thinks the cashier has a very bad temper. Now Dave does not know what to do since the farm store cashier did not have any of the FCMGAUB licenses. Dave decides to go home and search 'FCMGAUB license' on the Internet. The only thing that comes up is a useless blog about a guy named Dave who eats ham for breakfast. Weird. Now Dave is unsure that a FCMGAUB license is the best idea since the Internet did not think it existed. Dave decides that he should make a fence around his back yard so his cows wouldn''t run away. Dave decides to find a number of emo kids to make it out of. Dave goes downtown in search of emo kids and finds 128 volunteers. He makes them all cut their hair to make rope, and then have them all stand around the edge of his yard with all the rope tying them together. When there all done he gives each one a shiny coin from his basement. Dave then decides to set up his old telivision in the middle of his backyard so the fence can watch TV. Then there were a bunch of them who couldn't see the TV since it was only facing one way, Dave gave those ones a hug instead of TV. Then there was one fence post that was getting very angry, so dave put a box over it so the TV watcher wouldn't be distracted. After all Dave respected the TV watchers since Dave was a TV watcher himself. After his fence was built, Dave decides to go inside and watch TV himself. After a while it starts raining. Dave hears some moaning in the backyard. Dave thinks the experience will build character for the fence posts. After a while a big truck comes down the road. The big truck stops at Dave's house. Dave is very
excited. Dave runs outside to greet some hicks. They smell weird. The hicks give Dave 2 cows and Dave places them in their new home. At first the cows try to escape but the fence holds them in. After a while the cows break the TV. Dave is disappointed but it was only his old one, he has a better one in his living room. Dave decides to make a speech on character building for the fence posts. The posts where the cows tried to escape did not agree with the speech. After a while it gets dark. Dave wonders if all this trouble is worth it just for some cows. Dave thinks its worth it when he remembered the amazing deal he got on them. 2 for the price of 1! After a while Dave goes to bed hoping everything will be okay through the night. Hoping.
"(hick voice) Doo yoo heave eenie heffSeeEemJeeEhYooBee liseeanzes?" Dave asks.
"Do I have any what??", the cashier replies.
"FCMGAUB licenses." Dave answers.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Asks the cashier.
"Well its a Feed Cows Malted Gravy And Un Bun licence" Answers Dave.
"Is this a joke?? I know for a fact that there is no such license as ridiculous as all that. You don't feed cows malted gravy!! I didn't even know malted gravy existed until you walked in here!! Whats your problem!?!" Furiously shouted the cashier
"Well I got my advice from a well educated cauliflower farmer" Answers Dave
"Your Stupid!!" yells the cashier
Dave quickly leaves with the cashier chasing him out. Dave thinks the cashier has a very bad temper. Now Dave does not know what to do since the farm store cashier did not have any of the FCMGAUB licenses. Dave decides to go home and search 'FCMGAUB license' on the Internet. The only thing that comes up is a useless blog about a guy named Dave who eats ham for breakfast. Weird. Now Dave is unsure that a FCMGAUB license is the best idea since the Internet did not think it existed. Dave decides that he should make a fence around his back yard so his cows wouldn''t run away. Dave decides to find a number of emo kids to make it out of. Dave goes downtown in search of emo kids and finds 128 volunteers. He makes them all cut their hair to make rope, and then have them all stand around the edge of his yard with all the rope tying them together. When there all done he gives each one a shiny coin from his basement. Dave then decides to set up his old telivision in the middle of his backyard so the fence can watch TV. Then there were a bunch of them who couldn't see the TV since it was only facing one way, Dave gave those ones a hug instead of TV. Then there was one fence post that was getting very angry, so dave put a box over it so the TV watcher wouldn't be distracted. After all Dave respected the TV watchers since Dave was a TV watcher himself. After his fence was built, Dave decides to go inside and watch TV himself. After a while it starts raining. Dave hears some moaning in the backyard. Dave thinks the experience will build character for the fence posts. After a while a big truck comes down the road. The big truck stops at Dave's house. Dave is very
excited. Dave runs outside to greet some hicks. They smell weird. The hicks give Dave 2 cows and Dave places them in their new home. At first the cows try to escape but the fence holds them in. After a while the cows break the TV. Dave is disappointed but it was only his old one, he has a better one in his living room. Dave decides to make a speech on character building for the fence posts. The posts where the cows tried to escape did not agree with the speech. After a while it gets dark. Dave wonders if all this trouble is worth it just for some cows. Dave thinks its worth it when he remembered the amazing deal he got on them. 2 for the price of 1! After a while Dave goes to bed hoping everything will be okay through the night. Hoping.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Dave has a not so ordinary day
Today when Dave wakes up, he gets the feeling that today will not be so ordinary. Dave is very correct. Today will be a very unordinary day. When Dave wakes up, he feels very unordinary. Dave says very unordinary things to his teddy bear this morning. When Dave eats his breakfast his ham tastes very unordinary. "I wonder why everything is so unordinary today?" Dave asked himself. There was no reply because he was talking to himself. When Dave got on his motorcycle to go to work his motorcycle was very unordinary. It was painted fluorescent pink. "how unordinary." said Dave to himself. Oh well, a pink motorcycle isn't the worst thing in the world. So as Dave drove his motorcycle to work everyone pointed and commented on the pinkness of his motorcycle. Dave was very uncomfortable with his body and felt very self-conscious about the whole ordeal. When Dave finally arrived at work he thought work was very unordinary. The factory smelled like ham. Dave liked ham but the factory was supposed to smell like moldy croutons. "why does the factory smell like ham?" Dave asked his boss. "THE factory? This factory is not THE factory but A factory!" His boss replied. Dave does not know what to do so he decides to hug his friend Pecore. Pecore says to him "Si sono molto Dave non ordinario." and then hugs Dave back. Dave does not know what he said. Dave decides to go back to work tasting croutons. Today there were some very unordinary croutons. One of the croutons exploded. One of the croutons ate another crouton while Dave wasn't looking. One of the croutons assaulted another worker. Fortunately that worker was emo. A mommy crouton and a daddy crouton made baby croutons. The baby croutons ate ordinary croutons and then grew to make more unordinary baby croutons. Dave soon realized that at the rate things were going there would soon be no ordinary croutons left to feed the unordinary croutons. Dave did not know what to do so he asked his boss what to do. "Just go back to work I'm sure everything will be fine" Dave's boss replied. So Dave went back to his work area and found no ordinary croutons left and the unordinary croutons were eating Dave's lunch. Dave got very angry at all the croutons and decided to eat them all because that was his job after all. For some strange reason all the croutons tasted like ham. Dave liked ham but the croutons were supposed to taste like croutons, not ham. Not ham indeed. Dave's brain was going all ding-dong with all the unordinariness. Ding dong indeed. Dave decides to find out whats going on with his day. When lunch comes he gathers all his emo friends, nerd friends, sketchy friends, and miscellaneous friends. All of his friends discuss why today is so unordinary and everybody thinks that there must have been a problem with the nuclear plant next door to this factory. All the other crouton tasters had problems as well with the croutons reproducing and hurting workers but they did not eat the croutons because they did not like ham. "Ham" said Dave. "why does the factory smell and the croutons taste like ham?" Dave asks his friends. There was no reply. Dave decides to do some investigating to see why on earth all these strange things were happening. Dave decides to go outside. Apparently the rival town was bombing the industrial district of town and now the nuclear factory on the right side of Dave's salad factory and the ham factory on the left side of Dave's salad factory were both bombed and there was ham and nuclear waste all over the salad factory's roof. There was ham mixed with nuclear waste dripping into the salad factory since the nuclear waste was very corrosive. Dave decides that the problem is an evil salad god who put a curse on the croutons in the factory because his son croutoni was sick. Dave decides they must sacrifice 1000 croutons to him to fix the situation. Dave reports his findings to his friends and all through the afternoon they capture 999 croutons. Dave was disappointed that they only captured 999 and not 1000 because he thought the salad god would need 1000. There were no croutons left in the whole factory so they needed to come up with a solution. All the nuclear waste had melted the crouton 4000 which made all the croutons so they couldn't make more. After a long discussion with his friends they decided they would also sacrifice a peanut to make 1000. So they sacrificed 999 croutons and 1 peanut. I will not get into the detail of how this happened. After this event a number of workers were fired, but they left knowing they made the factory a better place by getting rid of the curse. So Dave went back home and for the rest of the day he watched TV and he didn't buy any cows, so after the curse on the factory had been eliminated the rest of his day was rather ordinary. So because this post has been labeled 'Dave has a not so ordinary day' then i suppose there is nothing else i can be writing about.
Day in the life of Dave
Today Dave wakes up. He looks at the floor. He looks at the ceiling. He theorizes about the true meaning of life. Dave says "hello" to his teddy bear which he shouldn't have as he is much too old for teddy bears. "Why should I be too old for teddy bears?" Dave asks his teddy bear. There is no reply.
At this point in time Dave continues babbling to his teddy bear about random nonsense and tomfoolery until he grows tired of his underwear. So Dave decides to get dressed. After getting dressed Dave goes out of his room and eats his breakfast of ham. Dave absolutely loves ham because ham is the tastiest treat in the whole earth according to Dave, So you may think this a little weird as you are not according to Dave. Only Dave is according to Dave, according to Dave. If you are confused right now i suggest you eat some ham. (This and the last couple lines in normal English culture are considered 'Rabbit trails' meaning a trail of thought going away from the actual subject) Lets forget this rabbit trail and move on to more important things. Dave's breakfast. Well actually not Dave's breakfast because we already covered that with the whole ham thing. After breakfast Dave goes to work. Dave works in a factory if you have not already figured that out. What is made in this factory has not yet been decided by the author of this blog. Anyway, Dave goes to work on his motorcycle. Dave likes motorcycles because motorcycles go fast and are very dangerous indeed. When Dave arrives at work he visits his boss who tells him to get back to work. "I love you boss" says Dave. "That's interesting Dave, Now get back to work", his boss replies. Dave goes back to work at his station in the work section of the factory. Dave's job at the factory is tasting croutons. Dave has tasted croutons of many sorts. He has tasted sour ones, sweet ones, green ones, blue ones, pointy ones, liquid ones, moldy ones, not moldy ones, explosive ones, corrosive ones, and finally, sour ones. Since this blog is not meant to be anything fancy i will say he had all normal croutons except one corrosive one which he dealt with appropriately. Appropriately indeed. During his work day Dave had lunch. During lunch he theorized with all his theologian friends, Said "how are you today" to all the people he didn't know, Talked about C++ with all his nerd friends, Chilled with all his gangster friends, talked on the telephone from afar with all his Sketchy friends, and cut himself with all his emo friends. Well, That was graphic. Fortunately Dave used fake blood and a plastic spoon to fool his emo friends instead of making a blemish on his perfect, hairless skin. Anyway. Dave finishes his day at work at 5:00 pm and rides his motorcycle back home. At home Dave has a dance party with himself. Dave only has one friend but he doesn't know his phone number so he can't invite him to his dance party. His only friend that knows him very well is a fellow worker who is a nerd that only speaks italian. Dave thinks his name is Pecore but hes not sure. Dave is always telling Pecore all his stories. Pecore always replies "Smettere di parlare Non mi interessa!". Dave think hes saying 'I love you dave your my best friend' . I the writer am not so sure. Anyway, that is Dave's friend. Since Pecore only speaks italian Dave does not know his phone number. When Dave tried to get Pecore's phone number Pecore answered "Mi piace toccare lama in Nuova Zelanda" . Dave didn't think that was his phone number. I don't blame him. Anyway, Dave has a Dance party and then decides to watch TV. Dave likes watching telivision. Telivision is an activity Dave likes. Watching telivision+ Dave = Okeydokey. The point is Dave is a telivision watcher and hes proud of it. Tonight Dave decides to watch a channel on TV. The channel Dave watches is the shopping channel. The shopping channel is Dave's least favorite channel but Dave likes to watch every channel and he hasn't watched the shopping channel in almost a year. On the shopping channel there were cows for sale. Dave like cows. Dave decides to call the number on the screen because it said if he called in the next 30 seconds he would get 2 cows for the price of 1. It was a deal no one could refuse. So Dave spends the rest of the night on hold on the phone untill 11:00 pm when he finally gets to buy his cows. After giving the person on the phone his credit card number the person immediatly hangs up for some odd reason. Dave Thinks since they have all his information the'll just take the right amount and send him the cows. Dave goes to bed with his teddy bear in peace of mind. Then dave falls asleep. Then dave wakes up in the morning again but i can't tell you anymore because this blog was labeled 'day in the life of dave' and weve already covered one day so im sorry you will have to wait for the next blog.
At this point in time Dave continues babbling to his teddy bear about random nonsense and tomfoolery until he grows tired of his underwear. So Dave decides to get dressed. After getting dressed Dave goes out of his room and eats his breakfast of ham. Dave absolutely loves ham because ham is the tastiest treat in the whole earth according to Dave, So you may think this a little weird as you are not according to Dave. Only Dave is according to Dave, according to Dave. If you are confused right now i suggest you eat some ham. (This and the last couple lines in normal English culture are considered 'Rabbit trails' meaning a trail of thought going away from the actual subject) Lets forget this rabbit trail and move on to more important things. Dave's breakfast. Well actually not Dave's breakfast because we already covered that with the whole ham thing. After breakfast Dave goes to work. Dave works in a factory if you have not already figured that out. What is made in this factory has not yet been decided by the author of this blog. Anyway, Dave goes to work on his motorcycle. Dave likes motorcycles because motorcycles go fast and are very dangerous indeed. When Dave arrives at work he visits his boss who tells him to get back to work. "I love you boss" says Dave. "That's interesting Dave, Now get back to work", his boss replies. Dave goes back to work at his station in the work section of the factory. Dave's job at the factory is tasting croutons. Dave has tasted croutons of many sorts. He has tasted sour ones, sweet ones, green ones, blue ones, pointy ones, liquid ones, moldy ones, not moldy ones, explosive ones, corrosive ones, and finally, sour ones. Since this blog is not meant to be anything fancy i will say he had all normal croutons except one corrosive one which he dealt with appropriately. Appropriately indeed. During his work day Dave had lunch. During lunch he theorized with all his theologian friends, Said "how are you today" to all the people he didn't know, Talked about C++ with all his nerd friends, Chilled with all his gangster friends, talked on the telephone from afar with all his Sketchy friends, and cut himself with all his emo friends. Well, That was graphic. Fortunately Dave used fake blood and a plastic spoon to fool his emo friends instead of making a blemish on his perfect, hairless skin. Anyway. Dave finishes his day at work at 5:00 pm and rides his motorcycle back home. At home Dave has a dance party with himself. Dave only has one friend but he doesn't know his phone number so he can't invite him to his dance party. His only friend that knows him very well is a fellow worker who is a nerd that only speaks italian. Dave thinks his name is Pecore but hes not sure. Dave is always telling Pecore all his stories. Pecore always replies "Smettere di parlare Non mi interessa!". Dave think hes saying 'I love you dave your my best friend' . I the writer am not so sure. Anyway, that is Dave's friend. Since Pecore only speaks italian Dave does not know his phone number. When Dave tried to get Pecore's phone number Pecore answered "Mi piace toccare lama in Nuova Zelanda" . Dave didn't think that was his phone number. I don't blame him. Anyway, Dave has a Dance party and then decides to watch TV. Dave likes watching telivision. Telivision is an activity Dave likes. Watching telivision+ Dave = Okeydokey. The point is Dave is a telivision watcher and hes proud of it. Tonight Dave decides to watch a channel on TV. The channel Dave watches is the shopping channel. The shopping channel is Dave's least favorite channel but Dave likes to watch every channel and he hasn't watched the shopping channel in almost a year. On the shopping channel there were cows for sale. Dave like cows. Dave decides to call the number on the screen because it said if he called in the next 30 seconds he would get 2 cows for the price of 1. It was a deal no one could refuse. So Dave spends the rest of the night on hold on the phone untill 11:00 pm when he finally gets to buy his cows. After giving the person on the phone his credit card number the person immediatly hangs up for some odd reason. Dave Thinks since they have all his information the'll just take the right amount and send him the cows. Dave goes to bed with his teddy bear in peace of mind. Then dave falls asleep. Then dave wakes up in the morning again but i can't tell you anymore because this blog was labeled 'day in the life of dave' and weve already covered one day so im sorry you will have to wait for the next blog.
Dave
Hello. This blog is a continuing story about a fellow named Dave. i will add a new section whenever I get the change and it is about the adventures of Dave. Dave is a human. Dave is not a female but is a male. Dave has medium length hair. Dave works at a factory. Dave is very spontaneous. Dave loves ham. Dave is a very unusual person. Please continue reading about Dave.
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